one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
