So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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