I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
