I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
