matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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