I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i drank out of a bidet.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
