you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
