Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Is it because I queefed?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
