I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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