she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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