Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
