Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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