I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
