you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
