Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
