i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I could fuck to npr.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
