Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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