You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
