Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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