im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
