Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
