Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
