New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
