First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
