My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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