Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you would pick up someone in the library
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
