Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
