STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
