Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
