Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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