you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
