you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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