my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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