On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just high enough for therapy.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
