I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
