booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
