Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
should my penis look like a turkey
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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