Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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