he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
