I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
