I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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