The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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