Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
meet me or not, i'm out of control
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
