i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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