why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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