I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
