Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
