Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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