I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
