Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
