3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she told me i tasted like america
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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