you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
