Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
